They say time heals…

Maybe it is just a coincidence that it is 2012 and that there are all of these prophesies about change and apocalyptic upheaval that humanity will have to contend with. I mean we are certainly seeing a lot of different things developing right before our eyes that would lead a person to believe that there might be more to these things than originally thought. But, what about on a personal level? I personally believe that for our society to change we have to change on a more fundamental and personal level. I am seeing it happen in my own life of late.

From issues with self-acceptance and health to family relationships and friendships; it seems that there are very few aspects of my life that aren’t in a state of evolution at this point. My husband and I joked at the beginning of the year that things were going to be “interesting”. We didn’t have a clue what to expect. Things have never been very predictable. This year began with illness and changes in employment. And it seems that just as we settled into some sort of routine, things change again. The stress has gotten to us both at times and I don’t see that pattern changing any time soon.

For me, the latter part of this year is about trying to prioritize my life again. Sometimes, you just have to take a step back, cut out the nonsense that is hindering you, and try to move forward setting goals that help to keep you accountable and moving toward something better than where you’ve been. The past month and a half has been a time of pruning away the drama from my life to enable me to focus more on what matters to me.  I feel like I’ve been too concerned with what is dear to other people that I’ve lost sight of who I am to some degree and that, my friends, scares me.

When I was younger I had big dreams and I wasn’t afraid to take risks to make them come true. I lost part of that somewhere along this journey and I don’t really know where. I realize that at some point I stopped focusing on what makes me happy and put the focus on pleasing other people again. This is a vicious cycle for me. I don’t like self-centered people and I strive not to become one myself. But, at the same time, I think that I am overcompensating for all the selfishness I see in the world around me. That has to end. There has to be a balance somewhere.  All I can do at this point is try to recover that sense of determination, wonder, and the excitement that goes with possibilities. I know it won’t be easy to break old habits but, I have to try.

So, how do I start making strides to get back to a sense of normal for me? That’s the real question that I will be writing about in my private journals. I am quite certain that this is going to include a rather lengthy list of goals for myself relating to health (physical and mental), career, relationships, family, and even in terms of recreation. I think that, once I get my list of goals done, I will post some of them here and occasionally update my progress. Maybe that will help to keep me on track.

A Rant On Being Sick And Fat Stereotypes..

My silence hasn’t all been planned. For nearly a year now, I’ve been battling serious allergy-related illness. I’m allergic mainly to cigarrette smoke like my grandparents. What a thing to inherit. Since my husband and what seems like the rest of my family are all smokers, I fear I am just doomed to a life of constant torment making me wish I had a different set of nasal-related anatomical parts. Lately what started as irritation and inflamation has grown into full-on sinus infection and this is not fun in the least.

Considering that I am unable to go to a physician for the usual antibiotics that would treat such a condition due to a lack of insurance, I get to try multiple home remedies to get rid of this problem. And while I am not distrusting or pessimistic about holistic options, I am a realist in that I know it will take substantially longer for them to work.

The past week has been particularly difficult to get any sort of work completed. Fire dangers all around us and being worried about possible evacuations. Having to run the usual errands in the smoky air only made the situation worse. I’ve not been able to really stay awake more than a few hours at a time most of the week. So, thank God for my mother being so close by to keep tabs on the fire situation while I did rest. Not only that but, she also dropped by yesterday with a big jar of Vitamin C and some Saline spray. So, I’m sure I’m on the mend putting all of this to use with my herbal teas.

I was and am feeling better today. Of course, I’m still getting run down fairly easy. And I wake up with congestion still. But I am hopeful that the worst is behind me now and things can get back to normal.

I was doing my usual kill time without babbling senselessly on the computer thing yesterday and my good friend Kayla (who I know I still need to meet for coffee one day over in Tyler) treated me to a post by another Texas-based fantasy author Dianne Sylvan. Her blog “Crazy Beautiful” is a work of pure joy in my opinion. This particular post was Ten Rules for Fat Girls. Seeing that I am a “fat girl” and have been since I was very young, this whole issue of acceptance has always been a major point of interest and work for me.

You see, we grow up in a society that tells us being fat is somehow unacceptable and makes us unworthy of many things in life. For many of us, fat is just what we are. We’ve yo-yo dieted, counted calories, carbs, proteins, etc to make ourselves somehow more appealing to the family and friends around us who can’t accept us the way that we are. The well-intended put offs throughout life have been a source of frustration all my life. Friends, family, co-workers all of whom have been skinny really don’t know what it is like to be as heavy as I am. They are, I am sure, genuinely concerned for my health but, did it ever once occur to them that this is just how I’m supposed to be?

Society seems to give a stigma to fat people that says they don’t care about their health or how they look. I actually argue that their stigma has left us with a more accute awareness of how unattractive the world finds us. Therefore we deal with issues of self-loathing because of our curves and become obsessed with food.

Personally, I always got the; “You have such a pretty face. Now if you’d only lose the weight…”

What is so wrong with telling a fat person that you think they are pretty without limiting it to the scope of their face, eyes, hair, or whatever it is that you find attractive? Either we’re pretty or we’re not. Period. There is no but to it.

I also got the; “You’re never going to meet a man looking like that.” comment a lot.

What they didn’t realize is that I did meet men. Especially when I got away from the people saying that to me and on my own without the expectations. I met a lot of men. Not every guy out there likes skinny girls. In fact, I married one who doesn’t like skinny women. Best of all, I married him on my terms and when I was ready to get married. It wasn’t about my family approving of him or our marriage, I got married because I fell in love with him.

What really kills me the most about being fat is that it is so hard to find clothes that are stylish and feel good on. It is increasingly difficult to go shopping when there aren’t affordable options for clothing. So we fall into the rut of whatever we can fit our big butts into. And what the heck is up with all these clothing people making shirts for people who can show off a stomach? Seriously, plus size designers, listen up! Heavy women as a general rule want something that is going to account for their curves and their stomach. I hate that I have to adjust my shirts every five minutes especially when sitting down at a table in a restaurant or in a movie theater. Make a shirt a little longer, is it really that difficult?  Didn’t think so.

And one last thing, while I’m on my soapbox. Don’t look down on fat people in public because you see them in the foodcourt at the mall or in a restaurant. Food is a necessity of living. They have to eat at some point as well. Two people can be sitting side by side at a restaurant. One is skinny and has a plate twice the size of the fat person but still people give the fat person the look that says, “Oh my god, how can they sit there and eat that?” The answer is simple, they were hungry and that might be their only meal in the day. Why can they not want tasty food like everyone else? Or better yet (insert dramatic gasp here) how dare we fat people want to be social and out with our friends at a restaurant or a cafe.

Sad thing is our society thinks of itself this way. The fact is, America is as obese as it comes. And we’ve been brainwashed to look down on ourselves. All I want to say is that it shouldn’t be about a size or a number on a scale. It should be about how we feel and being healthy. That’s my goal for myself; just be more healthy.